pushing towards grace

In every season...

2011-10-24T18:03:00.000-07:00

From the Bible, Ecclesiastes III (King James Version):

3:1 To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
3:2 A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
3:3 A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;
3:4 A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
3:5 A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
3:6 A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
3:7 A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
3:8 A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.

How often are we reminded of the seasons? For the most part I think it's easy to say that we tend to forget that just as Winter fades to Spring, so to will this season pass. At some point, the storm is bound to bring a rainbow and show a renewed promise that God said He would stand beside us through anything. But how often do we forget that promise? I do all the time. I have the easiest urge to being angry, frustrated, even extremely pissed off at God for allowing the unthinkable to happen. Yet, somewhere I've come to realize that no matter how many tests we think we pass or fail, God still prevails. He is still on the other side waiting to hold our hand and pull us through.

It's trust. I can openly say that I don't trust God at this point in my life. I don't trust that He will get me through this hardship, I don't trust that He has everything under control. But it's kind of ridiculous, because didn't God create trust?

It's a learning process, it's slow and VERY painful. But I will learn to gain trust, to place it in God's hands and say "In every season I will trust you and you alone Lord, because you are the maker, the keeper, you are my leader."

Being a Nurse

2011-09-14T20:48:00.001-07:00

A lot of little kids grow up dreaming to be a nurse or a doctor, some of them even go on to medical school... then again, some of us find ourselves places into the "nursing" position without having taken the exam or pass the boards - hoping and praying that we won't fail.

Everyone eventually qualifies for a hospital visit, a doctor's appointment, even a nursing home; but the points between those visits and appointments are what is largely not focused on.

14 years old and taking the "night shift"... unheard of right? Except, I was. I was on call from the hours of midnight to 7am, there to assist and manage my patients every need. More medication? No problem! Breathing treatments? Sure thing! (Let's hope she doesn't cough up more blood or vomit - you wouldn't want to be the one to clean it up.) On nights like these you try to analyize the situation to the best of your abilities and pray that no "codes" are called (aka... waking up mom for emergencies). It's a hard battle, a struggle to maintain composed and deal with the pressure of administering the right dosages, the correct treatments and coming up with something edible that a cranky cancer patient will find appetizing.

6 years later and it's the same situation... only with two patients now. You'd think you were living in a hospital if you stayed for the night. The hospital beds are alined just so, the pull-sheet ready to assist you if you have to switch a patient's position in bed. The tv is blaring (aren't they always in hospitals, I mean seriously.. it's not like you have anything better to do than to watch tv - or sleep through it). You edge awake every couple of hours to administer dosages of medication while you are constantly reminded it is a necessity by the coughing and weezing coming from down the hall. Oh! That reminds me, I better check on his lung fluid levels again, it seemed to have been building back up.

Pray, it's a necessity when you have such a wobbily patient. Would you like the walker today or the hover-round? Please, please, PLEASE don't fall while walking to the bathroom again... or at least remember to move your head! Too many stitches can leave you pretty scarred and that blood all over my clothes and hands leaves me scarred as well.

Lay down for a nap and all of the sudden another pee break is in need... Oops, gotta go lay down the bed - don't you love hospital beds? I'm probably going to need one soon since these patients are wearing me down. Don't get sick, you can never report to the clinic with a cold. How dare you! What happens if you spread it a patient? That means more pills, more breathing treatments, more trips to the bathroom!

Don't forget the medication, remember we just added that new one. *ring* Yes... I was calling to inquire about the side affects of this new medication? WHAT?!? Well why didn't the doctor tell me that at the office... (It's always nice to know when medications aren't supposed to be mixed). Suddenly you have to haul a 6'4 body out of bed, someone who can barely move and isn't coherent from all of the medication stuffed into them. Wrestle them down the hall and into the bathroom. Wait, me having to pull your pants down for you and set you onto the toliet is degrading for you and embarassing for me? Hmm, I wish someone would have thought about that before they put me on duty.

And then you have the pestering family members -

1) What medications are you giving them... but WHY do you have to give them that? Can 't you change it. I disapprove!!

--Sweety, you didn't sit for 6 hours at the doctor's office and hear the 95 reasons why the 'AMAZING' medication you are self-recommending could kill them.

2) Why haven't you fed them yet? You are trying to starve them!

--Really? Have you asked them twelve times if they are hungry? Did you cook 3 different meals trying to find something appetizing? Thanks... really, I'm looking forward to having to clean up the vomit from them upchucking the food you just snuck into them because it wasn't approved on their diet list.

If you aren't dealing with the chemo treatments, physical therapy, emergency room visits and nonsense... then maybe you aren't in the ideal place to be commenting considering you haven't answered your phone or emails in the past 3 years to hear what has been happening.

95% of the people around me constantly say - "But it's too hard for you, you need a life." "How come you don't have time for me?!?! You always blow me off"

No, life isn't in my control. I don't have time of my own... because when you are a nurse - your time belongs to others. If you can't understand who I am, or why I'm doing the things I am - then I believe a reality check is in order for you. Because this is my reality. This is who I am. I'm a nurse.

My Grandfather

2011-06-19T18:56:00.000-07:00

Imagine being confined to your body? Not being able to communicate or live as you used to...

My grandfather is one of the strongest men that I know. Growing up he could throw me on his shoulder and carry me around as if I weighed nothing at all. He had many words of wisdom and only spoke when he had something ridiculously important to say. He was one of my heros.

Parkinson's Disease now raids his body and that strong, amazing man that I knew is confined to a bed; he rarely speaks because his voice is nearly gone and his strength is hard to perceive because of the thin, weak frame that you see when you look at him. He requires help out of bed, needs help into the shower and bathroom... he requires constant care.

Yet - beneath the disease there is still the man that I grew up with. His eyes still twinkle when I say a joke, he listens to my questions and often hears me answer my own thoughts. My grandfather acknowledges and understands, he comprehends and almost seems to realize how much I rely on his silent nods and his whispered "I love you too sweetie".

Most people take him for granted now: they see a shallow frame in a bed gazing at a TV and are under the impression that he has neither the ears to hear or the eyes to see; and while his eye sight may not be perfect and he may be a little hard of hearing - he is still here. Maybe once you take a closer look, you will recognize the sadness in his eyes as he realizes that you don't see him as the man that he used to be, the man that he still is. Look under his "shell" and you will find that you underestimated the man that has made an impact on so many lives. Learn to listen and his eyes will tell you a tale; and maybe, just maybe you will see him for who he is.

shameful.

2010-09-21T22:04:00.000-07:00

Shameful...

In today's generation the typical "Christian" is discribed as bible-pushing, homophobic, over the top religious, etc... Movies are created where the example of what is "right" is set by models who have ridiculous attitudes of being better than everyone else, an 'above the average' person, and being completely against any 'sin' that they view. But in reality, they are the ones that should be ridiculed... When is it suddenly our right to jump in peoples faces and demand that they reconsider their sinful ways? Who are we to judge their sins when we have plenty sins of our own?

In every walk of life I see people at different stages of their lives, in different levels of relationship with God. But mostly, today I see people turned off by the discription of God they have received due too many people shouting their praises for a church that is filled with sinful people who openly present their "love for Jesus" all at the same time bashing any ideas that the church represents.

Explain to me this; how can you wake up in the morning and look at yourself in the mirror with the idea that you are representing Christ in the most godly way possible with the sins you committed the night before?

Don't get me wrong, no one is perfect... we all make mistakes... everyone needs to be allowed their screwups... even the non-perfect people should be allowed their way into the church... a church is made up on a foundation of all sorts of people... BUT.

But...

but...

bbbbbuuuuuttttttt....

explain me this -

"I am the WAY, the TRUTH, and the LIGHT, no one comes to the Father except by ME." John 14:16

Did you set your "way" yesterday, did you even try to follow a path that would be glorifying to God or did you get caught up in the side roads that lead to glorious.... nothing.

Was there ever a point that you ever presented or even represented the "truth" or were you too busy getting sidetracked by the bountiful lies that you spewed?

According to many there is a "light", a certain glow that we possess that indicates something different, something special about us. Was there ever a time when your "light" was glowing, or was it diminished by the darkness that you followed around and hung out with all day?

If we don't try, if we never make an effort, then how are we expected to be perceived? How do we make a difference when we are in reality being discussed as hypocritical based upon our diverse nature of never upholding our beliefs and always giving way to sin, disasterous sin... we don't. That's the key problem, we NEVER make a difference if we can't follow the ways, shine our lights or give a hint of truth when the world needs it the most.

We ARE the generation. We were called to be a "rebel"ution... Isn't it time that we turn away from the earth-shattering nothingness that the generation before us represented and find something to live for? Find SOMEBODY to live for. Isn't it time that we started living for HIM?

We weren't called to be a mockery to past generations, was this really what the puritians and pilgrims risked their lives for? I don't think they ever intended to create a 'New World' that was shallow enough to forget the foundation that they set for us, a foundation that would allow us to stand up for Christ and live a life that indicated how extremely privileged we should be for the opportunity He has given to us by allowing us to live by His hand, by HIS guidelines.

We weren't created to judge others, we were created to forgive others.

Yes, we should be looking around in disgust and dispare due to the ridiculous state we find our nation in. BUT, we should be looking for a way to lean back on the TRUTH, and not be looking for a way to point fingers at others. At some point we have to decide to rely on the fact that it was our mistakes, the mistakes of the generations before us that have left us so completely left behind. We should have been moving forward, grasping a better relationship with God. How long has it been since we walked on water? Since the seas were parted to deliver us?

Who are we relying on to deliver us again? Unless we determine ourselves to become the next leaders, the next disciples, we will be left waiting, wandering around in a lost desert looking for a miracle when we had the power to be the deliverers all along. If God were in us, not around us, then maybe we would be the leaders, we would be the revolution. We would be the rebellion against low standards and the LEADERS of today.

We would be the ones being judged righteously, because we wouldn't be judging others... it was never our place to judge-didn't that right belong to God in the first place?

Maybe if we took on our responsibility, maybe if we walked in the way, spoke the truth and carried some light, then maybe 'strangers' wouldn't think us absurd, maybe they wouldn't carry wounded feelings towards the church. Maybe then, the church wouldn't be represented by a bunch of hypocrites and maybe, just maybe, we would present a foundation of living that glorifed God.

Maybe then, only after we have turned our ways and gotten some perspective on the difficult situation before us, then maybe we wouldn't viewed as a dishonest people, a shameful people.

Home

2010-09-21T20:09:00.000-07:00

♫ You leave home and you move on and you do the best you can
I got lost in this old world and forgot who I am ♪

♫ I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
This brokenness inside me might start healing
Out here it’s like I’m someone else
I thought that maybe I could find myself
If I walk around I swear I’ll leave
Won’t take nothing but a memory
From the house that built me ♪

pastors

2010-07-26T18:54:00.000-07:00

Let us face the facts... I'm the preacher's kid.

I've grown up in a household where I'm constantly surrounded by the "sins" of the church. My grandparents are the "pastors" of pastors; they teach, preach, pray, and support those in command at churches around town.

Now, growing up with the privilege of being surrounded by pastors, preachers and teachers can be an amazing thing... I'm susceptible to witnessing 'miracles', I'm surrounded by godly people, I'm taught different principles, different truths, I've been matured into an adult who has her own views and opinions based upon the foundations that have been laid in front of me by the pastoral staff of Laredo, Tx.

Going back to the sins of the church: being surrounded by these people also has it's downfalls... It leaves me in an open position of seeing their mistakes, their sins and the sins of the church. It leaves me with the disappointment of viewing the pastors that have made ungodly decisions, terrible decisions that have caused trouble for themselves and for the people closest to them.

I know pastors aren't perfect, they are human beings that make mistakes; we all do. But I can't stand sitting in church listening to someone preach about the terrible sins they see around them, when they aren't including themselves in that sermon. Let us not act as if we aren't causing uproar, many a man has been blamed for 'confronting' his sins in the church; later regretting having said anything at all. But seriously, let us face it... the world today might be a little better if pastors were more commonly held accountable for the sins that they openly partake in. I understand everyone makes a mistake, I'm just tired of people abusing their ability to make mistakes and not have the weight of disappointment standing on their shoulders.

Seeing the blatant sins that pastors constantly make eventually causes enough grief for you to wonder why you ever went to church in the first place.

marriage

2010-06-26T00:16:00.000-07:00

What is the point of marriage?

Sure, it's the wonderfully blissful union of a couple showing their never-ending love for one another; a covenant that they make to each other and to God signifiying the fact that they will remain as one being in the eyes of God for the rest of enternity... or at least until their marriage ends.

Realistically, how many people really stay in a faithful, happy, loving marriage these days? While you hear the world stating that the divorce rate is skyrocketing, has anyone pondered to consider why that was happening? People don't know how to remain faithful anymore; there are no lasting relationships because all of the relationships we are raised with are corrupt and broken. We don't grow up with caring fathers, steady mothers and a household full of siblings that are always there for you. No, today we grow up with a broken family, barely holding on to each other - risking everything for a small portion of happiness that only really lasts a few seconds at a time.

Why would anyone want to get married?

Guys (and) girls don't remain faithful, they wander. How many people do you know that are still potientally "crushing" or "flirting" with ex-boyfriends, girlfriends, a co-worker, a neighbor, etc. It seems innocent, but nowadays many people take up the notion that they can get away with taking a view, a one time fling, or skipping over the fence a couple of times a week.

Marriage is pointless... it ends in regret, hurt feelings, anger... it destroys families; it doesn't create them. It has grown adults acting as children as they battle over a divorce - cutting their lives in half because they can't manage to say "I'm sorry" or work out their differences.

Maybe there was a time when it worked, maybe there was a time when it was structured around what God had intended and not on the worldly view that we have now. Now, it's corrupt. It's ridiculous. It's a hassle and a struggle filled with regrets.

Marriage should be outlawed: guys don't want to be in relationships that are exclusive and girls don't want to be waiting to see how long a guy stays interested.

Silence

2010-05-16T23:09:00.000-07:00

To tell you the truth; I hate silence.

It's harsh and terrifies me.

Sitting in a room, riding in a car, standing in a crowd - I'd much rather have screaming and yelling over silence.

It honestly terrifies me.

Some people need a distraction when there is too much noise in a room, I need a distraction when there isn't enough.

Silence is overwhelming for me, it's almost a shameful reminder that something is terribly wrong.

I think I've dealt with silence too much in my life... When I was little it was the silent apartment when everyone was sleeping. It was the silent phone when my dad fell asleep drunk on the other end of the line. It's the silent sense of rejection you receive from people.

It's nerve-wracking and horrible.

Silence leaves me with a sense of dread. It leaves me with knots in my stomach and a heavy feeling in my heart.

It isn't quite explainable... I just can't stand it.

Really, being quite frank; I'd rather have someone yelling and screaming in my face than have them sitting silent across the room. It's like a terribly awful sense of rejection. It's that silent guilty reminder that something is horribly wrong, I can't stand it. It's overbearing. It's rude. It's a silent awakening, it's someone saying "I'm putting you in your place without saying a word".

I'd rather be stunned into my place by a loud "bang, crash, boom! Here I am yelling, talking, screaming at you".

Just tell me what's wrong.
Don't remain silent.

It may lead to me going mad.

Please.

2010-05-03T20:12:00.000-07:00

I fake a smile, hide a tear, look amazingly "ok" almost all the time. But when you see past all of that, you find the realization that I try my best to hide from life. Hide from all of the wrong 'moments' that are continuously happening in my life. On the bright side, things can only get better from here... but on the other side, things can't possibly get worse; but they do.

Maybe I'm overly dramatic about the things that are happening, but seriously - everything tends to pile up at once and it gets harder and harder to pretend like I don't have a care in the world and that everything is perfectly fine.

I'm tired, because it seems like every time I make the effort for something right to happen... it goes all wrong.

What does God have in store for me? When are things going to magically look up and find a happy ending? I have so many things that I want to be fixed.

Please.

Seriously, please. I'm praying, I want change - GOOD change.

Please. Just fix everything.

Ashamed.

2010-04-29T20:22:00.000-07:00

As I was leaving one of my classes this morning I almost stumbled into an older gentlemen who was walking up the ramp; I had been in such a hurry that I hadn't bothered to look up and see him walking up the ramp, wheeling a bicycle next to him and holding a cane in another. I patiently waited as he slowly wheeled by, taking small steps and forcing one foot in front of another. As he approached me he simply said, "I'm sorry." He was embarrassed, apologetic that he was interrupting my day as I waited for him to pass. I quietly said "No need to apologize, I'm happy to wait." as he walked by.

I felt terrible all afternoon, wondering how often people are embarrassed or uncertain of how they will be accepted. This old man was simply walking by, taking the next steps in his day... his speed wasn't something he had control over, yet he was concerned that he'd cause upset. I could have rushed past him, I could have hurried by without looking up; but I waited. I waited and I learned, because something inside of me was saying "Take a moment... Stop for two seconds to give this man a break." He had no need to be embarrassed, it breaks my heart that he was. If someone hadn't previously disrupted his trek across campus, he'd have had no reason to feel shame. How do we react? How often does someone feel ashamed, embarrassed, or unsure of themselves because of our reactions?

I think we depend on others too much, we are constantly looking to them for reassurance or seeking approval. Isn't the approval that we seek supposed to come from someone higher than just the average person? Our reassurance should be that we are a child of God, following his plan for our lives, not following the standards of the attention-seeking society. Maybe it's time to sit back and seek a little less approval from the general crowd, and a lot more approval from 'up above'.

Break My Heart

2010-04-28T20:39:00.000-07:00

I don't know what's worse, the fact that we let people in and completely trust them - or the fact that we let people in and they completely devastate us.

Somehow or another, we always seem to end up with broken hearts.

It's like a small child, who meets a playmate on a playground somewhere; they are fast friends, completely fascinated with one another and completely trusting in their new friend up until the moment that they argue over a new toy in their meal-pack... and then the friendship is gone, crushed really.

How do we decide who to trust and whom to run away from? I guess as we grow older our judgement tends to develop and it begins to get easier to weed out the "dangerous" ones. Either way, we tend to have that one person that we let our guard down for, for one reason or another, and then always end up breaking our hearts either way.

I don't mean "break my heart" lightly, those kind of heartaches usually end in devastation... It's never easy.

I guess it's our job to come to a point where we accept the fact that we cannot change our life situations, we just have to go with the flow and decide for ourselves that we are going to move on and make the most of what we learned from one experience or another.

Still, it hurts.

My guess is that it'll heal just in time for someone else to swoop in and tear it all apart again.

Lonely People

2010-03-29T18:35:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I wonder how we land ourselves in such odd predicaments; how did our lives lead us to the place where in that exact moment it seems like everything else has faded away and you find yourself lost in a lonely place?

The world is full of lonely people who hide behind the identity of what they perceive people want them to be. How do we find a way to come into ourselves without the burden of judging glances and the side comments that persistently sneak into our lives? We end up living with the guilt, the depression or anxiety of wondering how others will view our choices, view our mistakes.

I look around and I see a room full of people.

I see the guy who everyone laughs at because, in their view, he is lazy and shy and doesn't like to associate with other people. In reality, that guy is terrified of being seen. He walks into work every day wondering if today is the day that everyone will see that his personality is only the traits that everyone else wanted to see in him, in reality, he is too terrified to really even have a personality of his own. He is struggling to step out of his comfort zone and move into a place where he can finally show who he really is, but get shut down every time he takes a step forward.

I look around and I see the girl who is on the brink of a breakdown. Everyone’s view of her is that she is a complete bitch, trying to crawl her way to the top by taking shortcuts and being inappropriate. No one took the time to see that she was grasping for attention... that inside she fights everyday with the terror that maybe someone will realize how depressing she really is. Maybe people will discover how much of a screw-up she believes herself to be after being shut out and driven away by anyone she's ever given her heart away to. She's searched for the truth; wondering how and why God has let these awful things happen to her, but hasn’t been able to find the grace that only He can provide. She’s on the verge of a breakdown, on the verge of simply not being able to cope anymore…

I turn around and I see what we’d call typical these days; He’s funny and smart, very sociable – he’s great with the clients and is a cool guy to hang out with. But, and there is always a but, he’s really kinda lost. He’s been floating around, wondering if there is really a God out there. He looks around every day and wonders if this is really all there is to life. Sure, he’s been to church… He’ll go occasionally on holidays; but he’s never been able to connect with God on a personal level, maybe he’s never been given the opportunity, or maybe his eyes just haven’t been opened yet.

Wait, there are more. There are never just one or two of them, but a whole crowd.

Or maybe I should talk about the one who goes 90 mph every day… He runs in and out, is constantly juggling a busy schedule; he talks to clients 24/7 and is consistently working nonstop. Really, everyone thinks he’s a jackass. He laughs too loud and is persistent in his opinions of others. Maybe they’ve never noticed that he’s finding himself emptier and lonelier every day. While all of his friends and the people around him have families to go home to every night, he’s suddenly found himself going home to an empty house. He can’t quite figure out what’s missing, but I think it’s the love of God... and maybe the love of a wife too.

Then, there is the lady, the one everyone looks up to. They feel that she holds all the answers to the life’s questions… that she is the “mother” of us all. What they don’t understand is that she goes home at night wondering if she’ll make it through another day. She feels the weight of responsibility on her shoulders, knows that she has many depending on her for the answers to fix their lives. She’s constantly searching for answers, she’s found herself missing the youthful upsets of early life. “When did life pass me by?” she asks… She doesn’t have insight to realize that she is silently ministering to these kids every day, that God is using her to get them through some of the most difficult points of their life.

Oh boy, she’s lost, this girl right here. She’s given up all hope on God and can’t understand why everyone is persistently trying to convince her that He loves her. Everyone believes that she’s overbearing, absurdly obnoxious and an insane chismosa. What they don’t see is that she is trying to hide her insecurities… She’s lived with fear, guilt, and hurt all of her life; never quite fitting in. She longs to be accepted, she really just wants to belong. She’s opened her heart to all the wrong people and has found that they’ve torn her apart. She goes home at night and finds that cutting herself helps with the “pain” she feels on her shoulders. They don’t see how she longs to fit in, how hurt she is when she hears the remarks of how it’s just another day of drama with this one.

Will they ever find the truth? Maybe, maybe not. But it's our job to show them that their secret identities can be broken, that the real them can actually fit in. It's possible that the hurt, the guilt, the pain will never go away. But sometimes I hope, I pray all the time, that maybe, just maybe, they'll heal a little each day.

"It takes a crowd of people to fill a room, but it only takes one smile in that room to fill your heart."

Frustration

2010-03-25T23:30:00.000-07:00

How do you tell someone that you are scared to death?
How do you explain that you haven't learned to trust that nothing bad will happen?
How do you persistently believe that everything will be fine when it feels like life falls apart every time you take a breath?

I don't know how to work things out, I don't know how to move on from a past that seems to haunt every move that I make...

I simply try and trust, no questions asked. Sure, I wonder WHY all the time... but it's never a questioned asked. I know, that doesn't make any sense at all, but it's true. I wonder why, but I never ask why; because at this point I'm not sure that I could stand to understand the truth of "why" exactly everything in my life has worked out the way it has. Maybe, just maybe, things will get better - but chances are that they'll just get worse as time progresses. But for some reason, I think I'm okay with that now. I've gotten to the point where I've given up trying to make everything perfect and I'm just going with the flow of things. I can't be perfect, things are never going to make sense. That's basically the sum of it.

If I tried to be perfect all the time, I would just find myself a complete letdown. I know that I'm going to hurt the people I love, I know that feelings and emotions will run wild. I know that mistakes I've seen others make will probably be made by me as well. But I can't live my life trying to be the absolute perfect person that everyone else wishes I was, I'll never live out any dreams or be happy.

I've got to do what's best for me. It's between me and God now, it can't include the wishes of everyone else and their cousin (because at this point it seems like everyone else AND their cousin have a say in my life... except for me.)

Prayer

2010-03-24T14:48:00.001-07:00

Prayer, it’s a funny thing – it comes quite naturally these days. It is no longer the childhood “bedtime” prayers; but the constant, almost overbearing, prayers of praying all the time. It’s never-ending… a constant cry for help, for courage, for wisdom… a prayer for insight, a plead for peace… a need for reassurance, or the simple “I trust in you” that it takes to make it through the day. Added all up, trusting God isn’t the simplest practicality. Typically, a person struggles to simply give up all questioning and fully, completely trust in God. Maybe I don’t have as much faith in Him as I believe I do, but there has to be at least a measure of faith there if I’ve yet to question Him. Sure, the question of “WHY?!?” comes up all the time, but I’m starting to find that my curiosity has been sated and is no longer overbearing in the curious nature of pondering how and why He lets things happen when it doesn’t feel like He has any control over things at all.

Inner-heart's desires

2010-03-18T19:23:00.000-07:00

When I was little, I was taught that God knows our inner-heart's desires; It was explained to me that if I sought out God in prayer, trusting that He would provide for me, that in due time He would grant me my heart's desires... How do we fall away from that simple truth?

"God has everything in His control" - it should be easy to remember. Yet, as adults, we often times forget that we once we taught that He knows our inner-heart's desires and that in HIS timing and perfect planning HE will provide for us.

It seems to have become so cliche, so common to rely on everyone else but God. Once-upon-a-time in our perfect little fairytale world we believed that He was the only guidance we needed, but now... Now we search around, looking for acceptance and guidance from everyone else but Him. It's something everyone is guilty in, we get so caught up in worldly standards that we forget about the heavenly standards that have been put up before us.

Everything is so simple, if we just trusted and believed in Him, things would be a million times better. Maybe if we didn't spend so much time doubting, searching for truths that fill the gap that God could fill, then maybe we wouldn't be caught up in all these lies, all of this everyday emptiness of shallow happiness.

Do we really comprehend what it is like to be completely and humbly happy? I'm not sure that we'll ever be certain what that type of genuine happiness feels like, it's not something that is naturally written into us like this almost fake, mythical sense of happiness is.

We run around in such a tense world that we forget our purpose, our belonging. We get so caught up in the timing, wondering how we'll find time to accomplish so much - when really, it wasn't really that important to accomplish any of that anyway.

Live.

Laugh.

Love.

Have we forgotten what it was genuinely like to love? When I was little, I used to watch how my grandparents interacted... watching their complete love and compassion for one another. Now, I look around and it seems like everyone is completely in "lust". That simple, wonderful, completely mesmorizing love seems replaced by the youthful necessity for a lust of love.

I'm completely infatuated with that real kind of love, the kind that says "I want to spend the rest of my life with you, not just the next twenty minutes".

Being able to look at someone and know that they'll be standing right there beside you from now until eternity - who could ask for more than that?

I believe.

2010-02-21T16:11:00.000-08:00

Why do I believe?

What's my story? Why am I so stuck on thinking that there is a happy ending if I follow all of these rules? When I was a little girl I secretly loved fairytale stories, I wanted to be Cinderella - lost in the moment and finding my secret prince charming one day. I always trusted that if I just believed in God and what His plans for me were that I'd find that perfect moment, perfect person, one day. Things happen, changes happen, growing up happens... but I've always kept believing that if I just believed that God had a way of working things out that I'd be able to hold out long enough that things would magically line up without being rebellious. Prayer was the answer; if I just prayed enough that God would pull me through all of these hard things, that maybe one day all of my waiting around and feeling slightly abandoned would be over and He would let something completely marvelous and wonderful happen.

How do I make someone believe in what I believe?
How do I show someone why I believe what I do?

How do I make changes without compromising in what I believe?

I believe that God has perfect timing for everything, because if I don't believe that - then I don't know what to believe. I believe that He knows the inner desires of my heart, can see my wishes and has a plan for making things work out. I trust Him enough to believe that He'll make things happen in a way that I wouldn't be able to do on my own.

I still believe, I have to believe... Because if I don't believe, then my whole world would fall apart.

I can't stay focused on questioning why things happen the way they do, I just have to trust God.

He has to have had a reason for why He has worked out everything that's happened in my life... because none of it really makes any sense. We learn from our mistakes, we learn from the hard consequences of others, we take the impossibly rough lessons that He deals us and we learn from them.

I've never felt so out of place, trying to not doubt what and why I believe in the things I do.

How do I explain why I trust that God will work things out in His own timing?
Seriously... I know it's hard to believe.

But still, I believe.

I gotta feeling...

2010-01-31T20:25:00.000-08:00

that maybe, just maybe, things will start looking towards the better.

There might *possibly* be a light at the end of my tunnel...

Guess I just need to start running down that tunnel to find out!

Finally a second chance.

"Learn to Learn"

2010-01-26T22:51:00.000-08:00

♫ So if I stand let me stand on the promise that you will pull me through... and if I can't, let me fall on the grace that first brought me to you. ♪

There comes a certain point where rebellion seems like the end result; because sitting around for rules to change seems like a lost cause. Maybe there should be a rebellion against these crazy standards that everyone has set. Not just family standards, but society standards, friend standards... even church standards. We have to learn how to learn from our mistakes. Yes, I did say "learn to learn", but how are we supposed to learn from our mistakes if we just automatically accept what has been set out in front of us?

I'm tired of sitting around and waiting for something to change. I feel like the world is constantly on a downhill tumble and things are never looking up. Maybe I've come to the point where I just see the negative because that is what is constantly portrayed to me... maybe I just need to focus on looking up at the positive. I don't feel like I'm "standing" anymore, it feels like I'm constantly falling.

Now I just need to find that grace to fall upon, or believe in that promise that God will pull me through.

Either way, something has got to change - whether it be a rebellion or a slight push in a different direction.

There's gotta be more to life.

answering prayers

2010-01-25T22:36:00.000-08:00

It's such a cliche isn't it? "My prayers were answered."

Sometimes I think it's more like my answers were prayed. My little sister said that tonight by accident, with the intent of saying "my prayers were answered", she said "my answers were prayed". I kept thinking how ironic it is, how true it is, probably more true than when someone says "my prayers were answered". Think about it, when we say "my prayers were answered", we typically mean : I prayed that something would happen and guess what? God let it happen! Not that we finally found guidance for some unknown prayer. Maybe sometimes we need to stop and reflect on what our prayers are, because most of the time we are typically praying our answers. We are asking God to fix this, find that, do this, stop that... making it seem as if we already have the solution instead of asking for the answer.

For some reason I think it's time to start asking for the answers instead of praying over solutions that I've come up with on my own without a little help from above. If I prayed for answers, real answers, then maybe my solutions wouldn't be so faulty. Maybe I would feel like prayers were a little more substantial and I wouldn't be left questioning so much. Trust me, I pray... probably 95% of the day is spent with me questioning God, but I always pray the solutions asking "if only this would happen" or "when you fix this God," maybe I should start asking "how will you fix this in your timely fashion for purposes that I've yet to see?".

Solutions, not answered questions.
Prayers, not answered questions.
God's timing... not mine.

I Believe in Fairytales

2010-01-21T22:26:00.000-08:00

Plans are made.
Moments happen.
Life changes.
People move on.

Why do life's moments sometimes seem so fake? Why do they seem so superficial? As I move on to new steps, new moments... I'm starting to find that the moments that used to seem sacred and sentimental now seem shallow.

One night my dad was talking to me on the phone when I was a little girl. It was one of those key moments you remember for a LONG time because it was a classic 'father/daughter' moment. I was standing outside looking at the sky talking to him when he told me "Ryn, you see those planes? You hear that train and see those stars? Those are the same planes that ride over my head, those are the same stars up in my sky, and that is the same train that I hear. Whenever you see those stars, hear that train or see that plane, remember me, remember that I'm seeing the same thing, hearing the same sounds, and that I love you." Sounds great right? It's the perfect answer to a little girl that is missing her daddy and doesn't understand why she is living in a different house. The awe used to be in my voice, the thought in my mind, the hushed reverent tones of him saying that replaying in my mind. But now, I don't understand. Really, someone explain. Please. Those reverent sounds are now replaced with the question mark in my mind... he could have had the same train, the same plane and the same stars if he had been standing right next to me. So why did he stay away?

Sure, I know it's the typical 'every little girl wants to know' question.

But why couldn't he choose us? Why was he the dad who I only saw every couple of months when he felt like getting around to see us?

I really REALLY wanted to Daddy's little girl. I wanted to be the one he wanted. I wanted to be the little girl he came home to and gave hugs and kisses to.

Forget it, I know it's a fantasy. Statistically, Daddy's being around to tuck their little girls into bed is probably considered fiction by now. It's kinda like those fairytales. Those movies you see that show what true love is like, the ones where they fight, they break up, they kiss and make up, then they get married and have their happily-ever-after. Why do people make these movies? Because we watch them and leave the movie going "aww, I still believe in fairytales..." but we know that they really don't exist anymore. You don't hear people talking about the perfect ending - you hear devastation. You hear hurt, pain, fear and sorrow.

Why don't perfect endings, fairytales and happily-ever-afters exist anymore?

I'm still waiting for the perfect ending, the night that he would decide he really wanted his daughter back instead the nights he would call complaining that I was the perfect daughter that had let things get screwed up.

Now that phone call about airplanes and trains seems superficial. Couldn't he have made a better attempt? Was it too much to ask for him to try harder? Everyone else was trying harder. Everyone.

Don't get me wrong, some days I still think about that conversation and have his voice in the back of my mind remind me of exactly why I loved him and that conversation. But tonight, like other nights, it's hard to remember why people can't try harder. Why he couldn't try harder.

Psalm 37:5

2010-01-15T20:26:00.000-08:00

"Commit everything you do to the Lord.
Trust Him to help you do it and He will."

I am who I say I am... or am I?

2009-11-16T18:17:00.000-08:00

I didn't realize how much of an identity people hide under. If you stop to think about it, we place identities on everyone we meet. But when we peel back the superficial layers, who are we really?

I think my identity has gotten lost behind all the nonsense. The question has popped up into my mind "Who do I (and only myself, not anyone else) want to be?

People trust that I can take care of myself and make decisions that will benefit me and not lead to trouble. Don't those decisions show a part of my identity or my character?

I heard someone say today, "I'm not religious, I'm just spiritual." They labeled themselves with the identity of being someone who doesn't respond to a Church's demands of perfection amidst sinners.

But how do I want to be labeled?

I'm tired of having the identity of being that church girl who runs around and goes to bible studies and does everything right. Not because I don't believe there is good sense in making decisions that reflect how my life should be lived in God, but because I'm tired of having a label that means nothing to a corrupt Church. No matter how hard I tried to fit into the model of being as close to perfection as possible to a Church, or to family members who believe my life should be lived as such, there should still be a level of improvement... and that obviously isn't happening inside of that Church.

I want my identity to be of someone who has made a change, someone who stood up for what they believed in when called upon, someone who can answer truthfully and state that my life is in God's hands and I am trying my best to live accordingly. I don't want to be fitting into a model of being the person who is living by the Church's standards and not by God's standards, because at this point it seems God's standards might be a little easier to obtain.

I seek to find an identity that will cause someone to look and say "She shines for the light in the midst of darkness."

I want to have a meaning in all this mess. I'm tired of looking down and standing scared in a corner because life isn't going in the direction I want it to be.

It's time to make a change.

It's time to step up and find the grace in the midst of the darkness.

It's time to find an identity...

It's time to be ME.

Can't Wait To Get There

2009-08-10T18:43:00.000-07:00

Life falls apart... ALL THE TIME.
Everyone says that when its raining, it floods, and when it floods - you drown. But seriously, how much drowning can you do until you've completely choked up too much water and can't handle anymore? Its like one thing comes after another and when you think you can't handle anymore, then something else pops up that you really shouldn't have to deal with. Its like a light sprinkle of rain (a splash really, of God testing me) turns into a rainfall, which turns into a flood, then that flood turns into a stream that keeps going downhill until you've reached the bottom of the earth and right when you get to the core - then it all becomes an explosive amount of volcanic acid... Okay, maybe it doesn't really happen like that. Maybe I'm crazy, maybe this is how life was planned out, maybe its the ultimate test, maybe its the idea that through everything there is always a way to grow closer to God. But now and then, it just feels like God is teasing me. There has to come a point where its impossible to maintain a normal life because you've dealt with so many impossibly hard situations. Is there too many screw-ups, too many upsets, too many mistakes, trials and tribulations that just push us over the limit? How do we decide how much we can really handle? How do we decide when we are about to burst? How do we know when we need to take a step back and re-evaluate the situation and just learn to let go? Do you see a pattern here?

Maybe I'm going crazy or maybe its just time to finally fall apart. Its like yelling for help when you are standing in a room alone... At least it feels like I'm in the room alone. It feels like I'm standing on the edge of a cliff and no matter how much I shout - there is no one that hears that echo. There has to be an end sometime, somewhere.

I just can't wait to get there.

17 again

2009-04-20T08:24:00.001-07:00

Last night I went with my sister and two of my cousins to go check out the new movie "17 Again". I was expecting it to be shallow, not really having any point, but I was surprised when in the middle of the movie the very clear message of 'Making love should happen AFTER marriage' was brought up. The probability of a teenager actually making this bold statement in real life in front of a full classroom is not particularly high, but seeing it in a movie where 1,000's of teens are going to see it was really neat.

While even the teacher in the classroom stated that the actual number of teenagers sticking to abstinence was low and proceeded to pass out a basket of condoms to the class, the character Mark in this movie stood up and made a long speech about how he wasn't in need of condoms because he wasn't in love. Didn't 'making love' mean that you were in love with the person you were sleeping around with? Shouldn't sex happen after marriage when you were ready to bring a living, breathing person into this world? All valid points brought up in this speech.

Sure, staying abstinent until marriage is difficult, I'm not saying its easy. I'm just saying that deciding to sleep with someone isn't something that should be taken lightly. There is the possibility that you could be bringing a child into this world when you decide to have sex, it doesn't matter how "safe" you are being. It doesn't matter how in love you think you are, there is no telling if you are still going to be in love in a month. It takes time, and a big commitment, a commitment that you can't be sure your boy/girlfriend is still going to be willing to be in, in a day, month, even a year.

Just think about it.

the need to clean

2009-03-16T15:11:00.000-07:00

We all have different methods of how we learn. Different techniques to how we get things done. We have different ways that we function, different routines, different goals. Some of us learn by listening, by doing, by writing, by seeing. We are all different. I cope differently... Some people let out their emotions and cry, some hold everything in and wait until they just can't take anything else to burst. I clean.

If I'm angry, upset, emotional, sad, depressed, sometimes even when I'm happy -- I clean.

I guess some would consider it a good stress reliever, but sometimes it can be terrible. I can't sit still, I just get the urge to clean and move around and do anything possible. I wash dishes, hang up clothes, do laundry, move stuff around, most of all I love to sweep. Its crazy and I feel dysfunctional when I do it. But it helps me cope. I can clean for hours on end. I just have the need to have everything perfectly clean and if it isn't, then I majorly stress out and can't cope. It gets things done and helps when things are terribly mess. But at times its overwhelming to think that I can't function without cleaning. It gives me time to process, to vent, to breathe, to scream and yell or rant.

Its just me, and it can be good or bad or crazy and dysfunctional.
Its just how things are...

Its never too hard.

2009-03-06T08:54:00.000-08:00

I assume everyone has had days when they question, "Why God? Why would you put me in this situation when it is way too much to handle and is way to hard for me?" Sometimes I wish we could take the easy way out, the simple road. Why do we have have to go down the winding narrow path when everyone else is following the simple straight perfectly nice path instead? Its the question of the day, of the month, or even of the century... Did God really expect us to deal with all these "hard" things? Wouldn't he just prefer that we had it simple and never had any pain or stress or sorrow?

The true question is : In the end, would we have it any other way? Would we really have wanted to miss out on the pain and sorrow and SO much stress if it meant that we weren't around when we were needed the most? If it meant that we missed out on the opportunity to show that God can really work things out for the better, even if it IS unbarably hard at the time?

In my perfect world I wouldn't be dealing with all of this right now...

I wouldn't be dealing with the fact that life isn't perfect.
I wouldn't be dealing with the fact that having to help a 10 year old deal with the fact that her daddy is dying is REALLY hard.
I wouldn't be dealing with the fact that all of this pain brings up too much of the pain from my own dad's recent death.
I wouldn't be dealing with the fact that I want to go hide under a rock for a very long time because I feel like I'm completely failing in everything I am doing.
I wouldn't be dealing with the fact that I am terrifed about my grandfather's surgery on Monday.
I wouldn't be dealing with the fact that I am terrifed that I am going to fail in school, even though its *slightly* understandable why my grades aren't up to the ususal standard.
I wouldn't be dealing with the fact that all the emotion about my dad hasn't gone away.
I wouldn't be dealing with the fact that every day a million things run through my mind and it never shuts off with the fear that at any moment my entire world is going to fall apart.
I wouldn't be dealing with the fact that I am still angry about the car accident and the fact that I'm not perfectly healthy yet.
I wouldn't be dealing with the fact that I don't think its fair that everything is happening at one time.
I don't think its fair that I'm having to deal with surgeries, hospitals, divorces, deaths, cancer, accidents, school, people moving away, people falling apart, and my life turning upside down all at one time!!

It isn't fair, but I AM dealing with it. Its all I can do. I wouldn't change the fact that God has placed me in a unique positon where I am being able to help a little girl and her brother through everything and that because of my dad dying, I CAN relate and I DO know what it feels like and how much it hurts. No, I don't want to have to deal with all the emotions that come with helping them out, but I wouldn't change the fact that I am here helping them. I can't change the fact that it hurts and that those kids will be dealing with growing up without a father for the rest of their lives; But I CAN help them deal with it. I can be the support system they need. I can be the shoulder to cry on, the helping hand, and the person that says "I understand that this isn't simple or easy, but it will be okay eventually."

Standing outside with my 'little sister', explaining to her that it will hurt when her daddy is gone - but that she can get through this and make it - isn't the type of conversations I pictured having with this little girl. It must be the worst feeling in the world to tell a little girl that her daddy is dying... and even worse to see the pain and hurt she is having to go through. I can show her that I am surviving, even though it does hurt and it is painful. If my showing her that I can survive through the pain helps her in any way, then I wouldn't change the circumstances I am in for the world.

It might be way too much to handle and it might be way to hard -- But I deal with it, I stick around and make the best out of the worst situation.

I never said...

2009-03-02T13:44:00.001-08:00

I never said I was perfect.
I never said I have everything right.
I never said that what I say is the complete truth, because I have a lot to learn.

All I'm saying is that I try.
That is the best I can do.
If its not a good enough standard for you, then I'm sorry.
Maybe you shouldn't have put so much hope in me.
I won't always be perfect, but I make an attempt to do things right.
I will screw up sometimes, but you should know that I'll do my best correct those mistakes.
And the mistakes that are made, I'll do my best to learn from them.
I attempt to make things right, to be a good example.
But I'm still learning and learning is a long process.

So understand that I'll do my best,
PRAY my hardest,
and try to match up to the expectations you have of me.

But if I don't meet those expectations and standards,
then understand that I really am sorry.

So if at times I annoy you,
or upset you,
disappoint you,
or frustrate you...
Realize I don't mean it - just give me another chance
and I'll try my hardest yet again to reach those expectations and standards.

statistics wise...

2009-03-02T09:30:00.000-08:00

I ran into a quote that someone had posted that caught my attention, stating that :

Statistics show that a soldier's chances of survival in the front lines of combat are greater than an unborn child's avoiding abortion. -Abort73.com

Why do we make such a big deal about the war, the soldiers, the families... and stay quiet and unspoken when the issue of abortion is brought up?

We are fighting such a big battle with the war and are so worried about the toll of deaths and injured coming back, when there is an even bigger battle going on where we are losing more lives to abortion in our own country. A soldier's chance of survival in the front lines is greater than an unborn child's avoiding abortion. A soldier is stronger, trained, and has a voice and choice. Unborn children don't have a voice, they have no way to say "this is not what I had in mind when you conceived me."

Statistics show that :

The abortion ratio for unmarried women is 510 abortions for every 1,000 live births. For married women it is 61 abortions for every 1,000 live births (CDC). - Abort73.com

Doesn't that show something about our community today?
Instead of teaching that sex outside of marriage is wrong, schools are teaching sex education. Instead of teaching moral and biblical principles, we are letting schools teach that as long as you are being "safe" during sex - it is okay.

1/2 of women who abort claim that they do not want to be a single parent. Doesn't that show that those women weren't ready to be involved in a sexual relationship? They don't want to be a single parent... that says "hey! God was right when he planned for sex inside marriage and planned that you would already be an adult and ready to handle bringing another child into the world and raising it."

Its irresponsible. Maybe, teaching that sex outside of marriage was wrong and having principles to stand it up and show why its wrong, before shoving the fact that abortion is wrong in people's faces would be a lot more affective.

I understand that its not just the people that have sex outside of marriage that are getting abortions, but it is quite a few of them. Starting with a majority and helping where you can DOES help, doesn't it?

God's Custom Design

2009-02-23T21:00:00.000-08:00

Why is it, that at the moments when we care hardly breathe anymore, when we don't think we can handle anything else, God gives us a sign, a message, a breather and causes us to rethink our standards for how much we can handle?

At the moments when I am CONVINCED that I have been left stranded, that all the things that my dad said about how I was going to end up like him are going to be true, I get that sign, that message, that breather, (it might have all been a dream) saying "You can do this Taryn, just have faith that it isn't has hopeless as it seems."

It all came in the form of a phone call. A phone call that is questionable as to if it really happened, because if it did... then it was truly a work of God. Not because this person would never call me, but because there was no way for them to know how much I needed someone to say, 'there is a purpose, a reason for being here in this place.'

I was too young to hear the wonderful stories of my dad. After I grew up to an age where I would remember anything, it was at the point that it was the terribly disappointing stories that emerged. You didn't hear about the amazing things my dad was doing, because at that point... there wasn't really any amazing things left. I knew my dad must have done something right to draw my mom's attention. But the major question of "WHY?" has for the last couple of weeks been stuck in my head. So right now I got a phone call, from someone who had no idea all the questions I've been having, telling me a simple story of how God placed a word in my dad's heart and how my dad gave him a job when he needed one. It puts in perspective the questions of why. Apparently, there was a good side, a side that had a calling from God. Maybe he didn't always have it right, but if that one instance of helping someone out with a job made an impact, then its all worth it.

Its easier to breathe again, its easier to know that things happened for a reason and that God has a custom design, a plan and purpose... and if we work in the right direction, we will manage to get through everything one day at a time.

Don't resent me and when you are feeling empty - Keep me in your memory.

2009-02-11T15:23:00.000-08:00

When I was younger, after we had moved out of my dad's house and into an apartment complex and were helping out at the office, I would talk on the phone to my dad and in the middle of our conversations he would start telling me that I was the only one that loved him, that I was the only one that actually understood him and that I was 100% Walters for sticking by his side and calling him. He would tell me not to think about all the bad things that were happening, not to think about all the things that he had done wrong, and just remember that he loved me and that I HAD to love him and remember that I was his daughter.

When I got a little older and started realizing all the problems my dad had, he would sit on the phone and tell me that he couldn't be who I wanted him to be, he wasn't perfect... but I had to understand and except that and just remember that he loved me.

Thinking back on it now, I can realize that most of the time he was telling me that I was the only one that loved him and that I was the only that understood him, he was probably drunk.

But as I got older, the process of telling me that he loved me and he was sorry he had messed up continued. He would make promises about giving me money, make promises about the things that he was going to do with me, or the things that he was going to buy me or give to me... I can realize now that it was just an attempt to make up for all the things he missed out on when I was growing up, an attempt to be the daddy that he never got to be with us kids.

When he was in the hospital because he was having seizures and because of the car accident, he would tell me to leave and that he didn't want me there... that he was tired of seeing me to go get someone else who cared. I didn't understand how he could tell his daughter to go away, for the person that was always telling me that I was the one who loved him, how could he decide that he didn't want to see me or spend time with me?

For all the times I spent in the hospital, spending as much time as I could around him, sitting in the waiting room or sitting in his hospital room waiting to see what was going to happen next, I didn't understand how he could switch on and off so easily, sometimes he would want us around and sometimes he would want us to go away... it didn't matter what we wanted. I felt really resentful towards him because all of the sudden he would start telling me and my sisters not to fight or to change our attitudes. Who was he to be telling us what to do? He had no right to be telling us how to behave or act.

After all the things that happened, after the multiple hospital visits, after his having surgery, and his going to rehab... after the funeral and it having been a while... I can finally see that he didn't want us around in the hospital rooms, when he said he was tired of me, because he didn't want us to see him like he was, I think he realized that he had royally screwed up. I think he realized it was his fault that he was in the situations he was in. I think now, that he didn't want us to see him at "somewhat" his worst, because he wanted us to remember anything good and positive about him... Because if we remembered all the terrible things, we wouldn't have a reason to miss him.

I think he realized that the only positive thing he was leaving with, was the fact that he had us as children... that he had children who loved him and even if he had screwed up, he was leaving knowing that we had done something excellent and even if he didn't have the perfect life he wanted, that we had a chance at being the perfect he might have been. He could never be the type of people we are today, because even though we make mistakes, we are learning to fix them and not be the kind of people who just let our faults take the best of us and never fix all our broken pieces. We are trying... and sometimes succeeding, maybe he realized that he didn't succeed...

Maybe he realized that his greatest gift was giving us the chance to succeed.

"Leave Out All The Rest"
Linkin Park

I dreamed I was missing
You were so scared
But no one would listen
Cause no one else cared

After my dreaming
I woke with this fear
What am I leaving
When I'm done here

So if you're asking me
I want you to know

[Chorus]
When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I've done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed

And don't resent me
And when you're feeling empty
Keep me in your memory

Leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest
[End Chorus]

Don't be afraid
I've taken my beating
I've shared what I made

I'm strong on the surface
Not all the way through
I've never been perfect
But neither have you

So if you're asking me
I want you to know

[Chorus]
When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I've done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed

Don't resent me
And when you're feeling empty
Keep me in your memory

Leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest
[End Chorus]

Forgetting
All the hurt inside
You've learned to hide so well

Pretending
Someone else can come and save me from myself
I can't be who you are

[Chorus]
When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I've done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed

Don't resent me
And when you're feeling empty
Keep me in your memory

Leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest

Forgetting
All the hurt inside
You've learned to hide so well

Pretending
Someone else can come and save me from myself
I can't be who you are
I can't be who you are

Don't underestimate...

2009-01-05T09:45:00.001-08:00

Do we underestimate ourselves?
Why does it surprise us when people ask us hard questions or weigh our opinions as being worthy of attention? Maybe we truly have reached a time when (teenagers) aren't really expected to do hard things, answer hard questions, or have any input whatsoever. There must have been some point when we were expected to search for the truth, stand up for what we believed in, ect... and now we are expected to sit around having people feed us what we are supposed to believe and accept as true. Should we be questioning and proving the things we have been accepting as true? Maybe it is time for us to take a stand and actually show we are 'adults', that people have no understanding of the things we could accomplish if we just applied ourselves and were given the chance to prove ourselves. Maybe we shouldn't be underestimating ourselves, but overestimating our abilites to the point that we suprise ourselves when we accomplish or prove something that isn't expected of us.

Staircase

2008-12-18T15:13:00.000-08:00

Ever notice how life seems like an endless staircase? We are always going up and up and up some more, but we never get to the top... Its easy to get tired and worn out or decide its not worth climbing. There seems to always be some "good climbing" days and some "slow climbing" days. It seems like it is going to take 10000000000 years to get up them and that when we do, what awaits us isn't going to be all its cracked up to be. Maybe sometimes we climb down those steps without realizing it, instead of working our way up to the top. We make choices and decisions that affect the outcome, that affect if we are going up or coming down. In the end will it really be worth it? Will we have spent our whole lives trying to find out what is on top of those stairs and discover that the things we thought we were waiting for - the joy and happiness, the freedom, lifestyle, friend, church... - aren't really as great as we had hoped they would be. Maybe we spend too much time wishing things would be different and better, when they were just fine to begin with and aren't what we had hoped for. I guess when we get to the top of that staircase we will finally see the outcome, hopefully it is worth all this running up and down.

2008-11-24T14:45:00.000-08:00

S0 I've been thinking about how much my life was changed this year from the car accident and everything... All of the moments I missed and all the things I should have gotten to do that I didn't. I know I shouldn't regret missing those things and that I should just be happy to be alive and healthy without more serious injuries, but still.

I didn't get to sing "Happy Birthday" to Joana, I was being transported in an ambulance and hauled into the ER because it hurt if I moved...
I missed out on my 17th birthday, because I was in a wheelchair.
(although my mom did try her best to make it up)
I missed out on my first semester of college, I missed out on being able to have that first semester with my older sister around.
I missed out on actually being able to stand up at my dad's funeral.
I missed out on trips, activities, and such because I couldn't walk.
I missed out on being in plays, helping with theater.
I missed out on being a youth leader at church.
I missed GOING to church & to youth group.

I told my mom I felt like I missed out on being 17, because I've spent 5 months working out being in a wheelchair, using a walker, a cane, and then slowly healing for all these fractures. Doctor's appointments were constant it seemed like and they still haven't gone away...

Yes I am complaining and I realize I really shouldn't, but its hard to feel like you skipped things and missed out. I could name a lot more things but I'm done ranting... I just want to know that I'll get special moments again that I won't miss out on... I feel like I've done absolutely nothing since June, and that everything I have been doing has been pretty pointless.

I know in my head it hasn't been pointless, just right now it feels like it.

Who am I?

2008-11-19T08:37:00.001-08:00

Ever notice that our lives seem to be defined by who we are? Defined by who we are in school; nerd, cheerleader, band geek, football player. Defined by who we are dating; "Oh look, that is _____'s girlfriend." Defined by who we are in our town; "That is the kid whose parent's own that store over on Market St." It goes on from there... What school you are going to, where you work, who your siblings and parents are, or an even bigger one - what race and color you are.

But how often are we defined as who we are IN CHRIST? Outside of church, or even inside of church, how often are we categorized by 'That person who can heal the sick', or 'That person who just pours out God's grace on others', or even just 'That person who shines for Jesus!'.

Much easier and shorter terms apply too :
I am...
A daughter to the Most High,
A sister in Christ,
A believer,
A follower of Christ,
A disciple,
A child of God...

The list could go on forever, but I think you get the picture.

Before people can see who we are in Christ, I think WE need to see OUR OWN identity in Christ.
When someone asks you who you are, what is your typical response? Mine would be :
--I am Taryn, I'm one of the Walters girls, My grandparents are Fred and Barbara, my mom is Teresa, I'm one of the twins, My brother is Jacob... So forth and so on. But do we ever actually think about what we are saying?

I just categorized myself according to who I believe I am, but did I think about the facts that could be categorized as :
--I a child of God, I am a follower of Christ, I am a believer, I am a taker of God's grace...

Sounds kinda ridiculous when you think about it doesn't it? You think, "who would ever in their right mind actually say that to someone?" I know that it would take a lot of guts for me to actually tell someone that, (I know, I'm preaching something I haven't even done myself.), but how do we expect people to know that we carry God's love with us, if we never tell them?!?!?! We assume people know we go to Church, we assume people know we are saved, we assume that they have already heard the great news that Jesus died for them... But do they really? If you think about it, we are kinda assuming too much.

Maybe we need to be the generation who steps up and says "I AM A FOLLOWER OF GOD", instead of being the generation who sits around quietly waiting for Christ to come back expecting that our job is done and that everyone we know or meet have already come to their decision on where their lives stand in God's kingdom. Do we really want to miss an opportunity to do big and wonderful things that glorify God's name?

Conclusions...

2008-11-16T20:12:00.001-08:00

Have you ever found yourself in awe, wondering how you've never thought something out and come to the conclusions you now have? I visited a church in San Antonio this morning with my sisters and grandfather and was listening to the pastor speak, when all of the sudden he said something that made perfect sense! Only, it was something that I had never thought about before, or even contemplated other people thinking about or questioning...

People who are pro-abortion typically state theology such as believing that it isn't a life you a killing. But today the pastor mentioned that pro-abortionists would say that if a fetus IS a life and babies who die go to heaven, then wouldn't it be better for them to go to heaven now then for them to grow up and go to hell?

Now I believe in pre-destination, I believe that God already ultimately knows if we are going to heaven or hell, but that He still gives us the chance to decide for ourselves (although He already knows our choice)... (if that makes sense). But I also believe that God created our lives for a purpose, and that we were meant to live out our lives, so what the pastor said totally blew my mind!!!

I never thought about the fact that some people out there might actually believe that it was just better to dispose of the life of a fetus or newborn rather then let them live out their life and possibly come to love and honor God.

I mourn for the person out there who thinks that the best life for their child is the one where they automatically send their child to heaven (without the ABSOLUTE knowledge that the baby is going to heaven, because some question that theology...) without giving that PERSON a chance to live out their life, and possibly live their life in such a way that it impacts others lives and helps others recieve the choice of going to heaven.

I'm always amazed at the fact of how little I really know. I am so eager to learn and understand and truly find out the answers to all lifes mysterys without just believing what someone has to say without my actually investigating it for myself. I want to know everything and not miss out on knowing anything. I never realized it was possible to want to learn this much, to feel completely helpless like you will never truly get enough knowledge of God's word and truths...

Okay, thats the end of my rant and thoughts.

Night =)

Don't you understand?

2008-11-12T20:36:00.001-08:00

Why do complete strangers understand that it hurts, that I'm not over the car accident or this summer, that it still hurts to walk and get around and that it still hurts emotionally too, but people who are supposed to know and understand me don't get it?

Its hard realizing that there was once a point where I didn't have to be extra careful to not walk in the rain because I might slip, or lift something too heavy because it would hurt my leg too much... Its hard realizing that there was a point when I wasn't always sore and my legs didn't constantly hurt. Realizing that I might get over the sore and hurting part, but it will always come back when it gets cold, or now they are saying when I get pregnant... It will always be here because of someone's stupid mistake.

So why can't you understand? Why don't you get it? Why is it so hard for you to imagine, for you to comprehend? Its not going to change... I have limitations now that haven't gone away yet. I still have the doctor's appointments and the worries about what activities I can do. But you don't seem to understand, you are supposed to be the people who care the most, that understand the most!!

I'm mad. I guess its not really your fault, maybe I shouldn't have expected so much... But I'm still mad about it. I don't want to feel mad about it and I should probably let it go.

It hurts, everything was taken away at a moments notice, there were no second chances to move out of the way of the oncoming car, or call my dad one last time (maybe even make plans to see him). I'll never get those chances that would have changed everything. Maybe we should have been at a different place at a different time. I know God has a reason for everything, but sometimes it seems like too much. I'm not sure I can handle everything, I'm trying to put it all in His hands, but its hard!

So as I wait for things to change, I'm trying to get over being mad, hurt, and unsure... and completely trust that God is my provider and that He will provide me with the people and circumstances I need to get through my life (or at least this year).

Another type of Grace

2008-11-06T21:08:00.000-08:00

God is "merciful and gracious,

long-suffering and abounding

in goodness and in truth"

(Exodus 34:6)

I read that in a book today, and I've been thinking about it all day. God is abounding in goodness and in truth. God is the truth, He isn't a myth or a lie. GOD is IT, He is the creator of the Heavens and the Earth, how much better could He get? In today's world, nothing really abounds in goodness and in truth. Sure, our family and friends have some goodness, but they definitely aren't perfect. Everyone isn't always gracious and merciful. Try as they might, our family and friends can't always provide relief. But can't God always provide for us? Isn't He the one that we should be running to with our problems, instead of expecting our friends or family to fix everything. I'm a strong believer that the best advice you could possibly get is from your family members. Obviously God gave us family for a reason, and I believe that one of those reasons was so we could get knowledgable advice from them that God would have us to hear. But why does it seem so hard to ask for relief from God? Why do we look for the truth in what our friends and family say, and not even listen to the truths that God has to say to us?

I read a definition of Grace today that described grace as :

favor or kindness shown without regard to the worth or merit of the one who recieves it and in spite of what that person deserves.

Why should we deserve to have a God who is always there for us, who is forever enduring with His love towards us, if most of the time we turn our back on Him and do not heed the things He has to say towards us? I definitely don't feel worthy or feel like I merit having a friend like God how would sit around waiting on me to go running to Him when I feel like my world is falling apart. I don't feel like I deserve someone who would be forever patient with me when He is trying to tell me how to take the next step forward in my relationship with Him, and I am taking no heed and moving 2 steps behind!

I should feel humbled that God is such a great God that He will be "merciful and gracious, long-suffering and abounding in goodness and in truth."

What would happen if His people prayed, and those who bear His name would humbly seek His faith, yeah, and turn from their wrong ways?

What would happen if we finally turned to Jesus without constantly looking towards our 'earthly' friends for help and advice, wouldn't we be far better off then we are now?

It seems so easy, the answer so simple. but in the end... why does it seem so hard?

Pushing towards GRACE

2008-11-05T09:13:00.000-08:00

When you google 'definition of grace', it brings back Christian theology answers as the first answer to your search. I wanted an idea of what grace truly is, and only made a dent in the surface of what grace really is. But, here are my opinions below each description of what grace is supposedly defined as.

(Christian theology)
a state of sanctification by God; the state of one who is under such divine influence; "the conception of grace developed ...'

elegance and beauty of movement or expression; "a beautiful figure which she used in subtle movements of unparalleled grace"
I believe that God gave us the ability to act and appear beautiful. Part of fulfilling that appearance is having the appearance of meekness, the appearance of a gentle person.

seemliness: a sense of propriety and consideration for others; "a place where the company of others must be accepted with good grace"
Having good consideration of others and showing kindness to them brings out the 'grace' in us, and helps portray our appearance of living a Godly lifestyle.

a disposition to kindness and compassion; "the victor's grace in treating the vanquished"
God calls us to have compassion on others in:

Zechariah 7:9 (New International Version) "This is what the LORD Almighty says: 'Administer true justice; show mercy and compassion to one another.

a short prayer of thanks before a meal; "their youngest son said grace"
" What if His people prayed
And those who bear His name
Would humbly seek His faith, yeah
And turn from their old ways

And what would happen if we prayed
For those raised up to lead the way
Then maybe kids in school could pray
And unborn children see light of day "

--Casting Crowns, 'what if his people prayed lyrics'

decorate: make more attractive by adding ornament, colour, etc.; "Decorate the room for the party"; "beautify yourself for the special day"
Ephesians 6:10-11
Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power.
Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes.

God calls us to adorn ourselves with His full armor so that we might be ready to stand against the enemy.

deck: be beautiful to look at; "Flowers adorned the tables everywhere"
A godly woman is called to be one full of grace, a woman who is searching to become christ-like in every way possible.

(Christian theology) the free and unmerited favor or beneficence of God;
"God's grace is manifested in the salvation of sinners"; "there but for the grace of God go I"

In reply...

2008-11-04T22:21:00.000-08:00

This was sent to me in response of the blog I posted earlier in the day.

Hi Taryn,
This is some topic that you have chosen to discuss. Children are important in the eyes of the Lord. We can see this because the Word of God gives special attention to it. We know the Bible is God's Word. This is without fault.

Luke 1:70-71
70 As He spoke by the mouth of His holy prophets,
Who have been since the world began,

2 Peter 1:20-21
20 knowing this first, that no prophecy of Scripture is of any private interpretation, 21 for prophecy never came by the will of man, but holy men of God spoke as they were moved by the Holy Spirit.
NKJV

2 Tim 3:15-17
15 and that from childhood you have known the Holy Scriptures, which are able to make you wise for salvation through faith which is in Christ Jesus. 16 All Scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness, 17 that the man of God may be complete, thoroughly equipped for every good work.
NKJV
From the beginning of time, God has chosen to reveal Himself and His way to man. From Genesis 1:1 we see that there is darkness, chaos, emptiness (such as is with man without God) but immediately we see God respond with Light, this light is a revealing Light, it is a amazingredeeming Light. For man to be saved. This Light brings understanding, knowledge, and wisdom. What for that man may know God. Revelation. The last book is apocaliptic, unveiling. So we have the Word of God.

Next, the question. What about children? From the beginning, God said, "Be fruitful and multiply." Genesis 1:26, 27 We see an emphatic expression, "Let us make man in our image and likeness." Man is the crowning act of creation. This is the counsel of, Elohim (God). In a progressive motion from the simple to the glorious, in the end, man. So priviledged we are.

Everything is to produce "according to it's kind." This expression is used about eight times by verse 25 of chapter 1. No evolution here. It is according to its kind.

Gen 1:27-28
28 Then God blessed them, and God said to them, "Be fruitful and multiply; fill the earth and subdue it; have dominion over the fish of the sea, over the birds of the air, and over every living thing that moves on the earth.
NKJV
So mankind is to be fruitful, multiply, fill earth, subdue, have dominion, over every living thing. That means we are to be lords, managers, not Lords.

So children have a special place in the plan of God. Eve when she concieved, said, "I have acquired a man from the Lord" (Genesis4:1) She new where her blessing came from. When God was speaking to Abraham, He said I will bless you and give you a son by her (Gen. 17:16). Even for Hagar and Ishmael there was a blessing, what would appear to many to be outside the plan of God (Gen.17:20).

Psalms 127 one of my favorite chapters, verse 3 says, "Children are a heritage of the Lord, the fruit of the womb is a reward." Some versions say happy, some say blessed is the man whose house is full of them (children). The word blessed means something big and powerful, towards good. (macarios) That is how we get our English word Macro = big.

So far we have spoken of those that are born. But scripture points to those that are not born yet also. Job one of the oldest books in the Old Testament expresses that there is a special relationship with those still in the womb.

Job 31:15-16
15 Did not He who made me in the womb make them?
Did not the same One fashion us in the womb?

From this we see that the loving, creative, Holy hand of God is with the unborn.

Psalm 22:9 But You are He who took Me out of the womb;
You made Me trust while on My mother's breasts.
10 I was cast upon You from birth.
From My mother's womb
You have been My God.
NKJV
David, again gives us understanding in Psalms 139, this too is one of my favorite chapters to meditate. In verse 13 and 14 says,

13 For You formed my inward parts;
You covered me in my mother's womb.
14 I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Marvelous are Your works,
And that my soul knows very well. (Oh, that our soul would know that well.)
NKJV
So just from these verse we see that God has a loving and creative and intentional purpose for that unborn life.

Isa 44:24
Thus says the LORD, your Redeemer,
And He who formed you from the womb:
"I am the LORD, who makes all things,

From this we see the prophet Isaiah knew the Lord had fashioned him from the womb, for him to be a prophet.

Isa 49:1-2
The LORD has called Me from the womb;
From the matrix of My mother He has made mention of My name.
2 And He has made My mouth like a sharp sword;

We can be certain and should be, that God is a good God and a just God and He would not dispense a soul of an unborn child to the horrid eternal pain of those that chose to refuse God. This the soul should know well. I hope that this helps someone. The peace of God be with you.

What about the children?

2008-11-04T13:05:00.000-08:00

Someone asked me recently what happened to young children if they passed away. If they hadn't received Christ do they still go to Heaven? My immediate answer was YES, they do

(its called the age of discernment)...

But so many people today believe that children HAVE to accept Christ at an early age (they may not understand the concept of Christ), BUT they had better get saved or they were going to hell. But that got me thinking, about abortion and unborn children.

I've always believed that abortion was wrong, that it was a life that God created. Most of the people that believe in God, and encourage youth to be saved are against abortion, so what do they think happens to unborn babies? Are they saying that those children don't get a chance to go to heaven, even though they didn't get a chance at a life? In the bigger picture I'm sure that God has thought all of this out, that He has everything under control and has already destined what was going to happen to those lives.

But what about the people who have this mindset that children go to hell unless they are saved? Have they really thought out what they are saying? Do they really believe that unborn babies go to hell, without the choice to decide for themselves their eternal place?

I just wonder how many people actually think out their logic, research their facts, and truly believe what they are saying if they don't even understand it in the first place. I'm not saying that I have all the answers, I believe the only one that has ALL the answers is God. I'm just saying that maybe people should think about what they are REALLY saying

(before they go testifying to the fact that 'they' are 'right' and everyone elses opinions are wrong.)