I didn't realize how much of an identity people hide under. If you stop to think about it, we place identities on everyone we meet. But when we peel back the superficial layers, who are we really?
I think my identity has gotten lost behind all the nonsense. The question has popped up into my mind "Who do I (and only myself, not anyone else) want to be?
People trust that I can take care of myself and make decisions that will benefit me and not lead to trouble. Don't those decisions show a part of my identity or my character?
I heard someone say today, "I'm not religious, I'm just spiritual." They labeled themselves with the identity of being someone who doesn't respond to a Church's demands of perfection amidst sinners.
But how do I want to be labeled?
I'm tired of having the identity of being that church girl who runs around and goes to bible studies and does everything right. Not because I don't believe there is good sense in making decisions that reflect how my life should be lived in God, but because I'm tired of having a label that means nothing to a corrupt Church. No matter how hard I tried to fit into the model of being as close to perfection as possible to a Church, or to family members who believe my life should be lived as such, there should still be a level of improvement... and that obviously isn't happening inside of that Church.
I want my identity to be of someone who has made a change, someone who stood up for what they believed in when called upon, someone who can answer truthfully and state that my life is in God's hands and I am trying my best to live accordingly. I don't want to be fitting into a model of being the person who is living by the Church's standards and not by God's standards, because at this point it seems God's standards might be a little easier to obtain.
I seek to find an identity that will cause someone to look and say "She shines for the light in the midst of darkness."
I want to have a meaning in all this mess. I'm tired of looking down and standing scared in a corner because life isn't going in the direction I want it to be.
It's time to make a change.
It's time to step up and find the grace in the midst of the darkness.
It's time to find an identity...
It's time to be ME.
Monday, November 16, 2009
Monday, August 10, 2009
Can't Wait To Get There
Life falls apart... ALL THE TIME.
Everyone says that when its raining, it floods, and when it floods - you drown. But seriously, how much drowning can you do until you've completely choked up too much water and can't handle anymore? Its like one thing comes after another and when you think you can't handle anymore, then something else pops up that you really shouldn't have to deal with. Its like a light sprinkle of rain (a splash really, of God testing me) turns into a rainfall, which turns into a flood, then that flood turns into a stream that keeps going downhill until you've reached the bottom of the earth and right when you get to the core - then it all becomes an explosive amount of volcanic acid... Okay, maybe it doesn't really happen like that. Maybe I'm crazy, maybe this is how life was planned out, maybe its the ultimate test, maybe its the idea that through everything there is always a way to grow closer to God. But now and then, it just feels like God is teasing me. There has to come a point where its impossible to maintain a normal life because you've dealt with so many impossibly hard situations. Is there too many screw-ups, too many upsets, too many mistakes, trials and tribulations that just push us over the limit? How do we decide how much we can really handle? How do we decide when we are about to burst? How do we know when we need to take a step back and re-evaluate the situation and just learn to let go? Do you see a pattern here?
Maybe I'm going crazy or maybe its just time to finally fall apart. Its like yelling for help when you are standing in a room alone... At least it feels like I'm in the room alone. It feels like I'm standing on the edge of a cliff and no matter how much I shout - there is no one that hears that echo. There has to be an end sometime, somewhere.
I just can't wait to get there.
Everyone says that when its raining, it floods, and when it floods - you drown. But seriously, how much drowning can you do until you've completely choked up too much water and can't handle anymore? Its like one thing comes after another and when you think you can't handle anymore, then something else pops up that you really shouldn't have to deal with. Its like a light sprinkle of rain (a splash really, of God testing me) turns into a rainfall, which turns into a flood, then that flood turns into a stream that keeps going downhill until you've reached the bottom of the earth and right when you get to the core - then it all becomes an explosive amount of volcanic acid... Okay, maybe it doesn't really happen like that. Maybe I'm crazy, maybe this is how life was planned out, maybe its the ultimate test, maybe its the idea that through everything there is always a way to grow closer to God. But now and then, it just feels like God is teasing me. There has to come a point where its impossible to maintain a normal life because you've dealt with so many impossibly hard situations. Is there too many screw-ups, too many upsets, too many mistakes, trials and tribulations that just push us over the limit? How do we decide how much we can really handle? How do we decide when we are about to burst? How do we know when we need to take a step back and re-evaluate the situation and just learn to let go? Do you see a pattern here?
Maybe I'm going crazy or maybe its just time to finally fall apart. Its like yelling for help when you are standing in a room alone... At least it feels like I'm in the room alone. It feels like I'm standing on the edge of a cliff and no matter how much I shout - there is no one that hears that echo. There has to be an end sometime, somewhere.
I just can't wait to get there.
Monday, April 20, 2009
17 again
Last night I went with my sister and two of my cousins to go check out the new movie "17 Again". I was expecting it to be shallow, not really having any point, but I was surprised when in the middle of the movie the very clear message of 'Making love should happen AFTER marriage' was brought up. The probability of a teenager actually making this bold statement in real life in front of a full classroom is not particularly high, but seeing it in a movie where 1,000's of teens are going to see it was really neat.
While even the teacher in the classroom stated that the actual number of teenagers sticking to abstinence was low and proceeded to pass out a basket of condoms to the class, the character Mark in this movie stood up and made a long speech about how he wasn't in need of condoms because he wasn't in love. Didn't 'making love' mean that you were in love with the person you were sleeping around with? Shouldn't sex happen after marriage when you were ready to bring a living, breathing person into this world? All valid points brought up in this speech.
Sure, staying abstinent until marriage is difficult, I'm not saying its easy. I'm just saying that deciding to sleep with someone isn't something that should be taken lightly. There is the possibility that you could be bringing a child into this world when you decide to have sex, it doesn't matter how "safe" you are being. It doesn't matter how in love you think you are, there is no telling if you are still going to be in love in a month. It takes time, and a big commitment, a commitment that you can't be sure your boy/girlfriend is still going to be willing to be in, in a day, month, even a year.
Just think about it.
While even the teacher in the classroom stated that the actual number of teenagers sticking to abstinence was low and proceeded to pass out a basket of condoms to the class, the character Mark in this movie stood up and made a long speech about how he wasn't in need of condoms because he wasn't in love. Didn't 'making love' mean that you were in love with the person you were sleeping around with? Shouldn't sex happen after marriage when you were ready to bring a living, breathing person into this world? All valid points brought up in this speech.
Sure, staying abstinent until marriage is difficult, I'm not saying its easy. I'm just saying that deciding to sleep with someone isn't something that should be taken lightly. There is the possibility that you could be bringing a child into this world when you decide to have sex, it doesn't matter how "safe" you are being. It doesn't matter how in love you think you are, there is no telling if you are still going to be in love in a month. It takes time, and a big commitment, a commitment that you can't be sure your boy/girlfriend is still going to be willing to be in, in a day, month, even a year.
Just think about it.
Monday, March 16, 2009
the need to clean
We all have different methods of how we learn. Different techniques to how we get things done. We have different ways that we function, different routines, different goals. Some of us learn by listening, by doing, by writing, by seeing. We are all different. I cope differently... Some people let out their emotions and cry, some hold everything in and wait until they just can't take anything else to burst. I clean.
I guess some would consider it a good stress reliever, but sometimes it can be terrible. I can't sit still, I just get the urge to clean and move around and do anything possible. I wash dishes, hang up clothes, do laundry, move stuff around, most of all I love to sweep. Its crazy and I feel dysfunctional when I do it. But it helps me cope. I can clean for hours on end. I just have the need to have everything perfectly clean and if it isn't, then I majorly stress out and can't cope. It gets things done and helps when things are terribly mess. But at times its overwhelming to think that I can't function without cleaning. It gives me time to process, to vent, to breathe, to scream and yell or rant.
Its just me, and it can be good or bad or crazy and dysfunctional.
Its just how things are...
If I'm angry, upset, emotional, sad, depressed, sometimes even when I'm happy -- I clean.
I guess some would consider it a good stress reliever, but sometimes it can be terrible. I can't sit still, I just get the urge to clean and move around and do anything possible. I wash dishes, hang up clothes, do laundry, move stuff around, most of all I love to sweep. Its crazy and I feel dysfunctional when I do it. But it helps me cope. I can clean for hours on end. I just have the need to have everything perfectly clean and if it isn't, then I majorly stress out and can't cope. It gets things done and helps when things are terribly mess. But at times its overwhelming to think that I can't function without cleaning. It gives me time to process, to vent, to breathe, to scream and yell or rant.
Its just me, and it can be good or bad or crazy and dysfunctional.
Its just how things are...
Friday, March 6, 2009
Its never too hard.
I assume everyone has had days when they question, "Why God? Why would you put me in this situation when it is way too much to handle and is way to hard for me?" Sometimes I wish we could take the easy way out, the simple road. Why do we have have to go down the winding narrow path when everyone else is following the simple straight perfectly nice path instead? Its the question of the day, of the month, or even of the century... Did God really expect us to deal with all these "hard" things? Wouldn't he just prefer that we had it simple and never had any pain or stress or sorrow?
The true question is : In the end, would we have it any other way? Would we really have wanted to miss out on the pain and sorrow and SO much stress if it meant that we weren't around when we were needed the most? If it meant that we missed out on the opportunity to show that God can really work things out for the better, even if it IS unbarably hard at the time?
In my perfect world I wouldn't be dealing with all of this right now...
It isn't fair, but I AM dealing with it. Its all I can do. I wouldn't change the fact that God has placed me in a unique positon where I am being able to help a little girl and her brother through everything and that because of my dad dying, I CAN relate and I DO know what it feels like and how much it hurts. No, I don't want to have to deal with all the emotions that come with helping them out, but I wouldn't change the fact that I am here helping them. I can't change the fact that it hurts and that those kids will be dealing with growing up without a father for the rest of their lives; But I CAN help them deal with it. I can be the support system they need. I can be the shoulder to cry on, the helping hand, and the person that says "I understand that this isn't simple or easy, but it will be okay eventually."
Standing outside with my 'little sister', explaining to her that it will hurt when her daddy is gone - but that she can get through this and make it - isn't the type of conversations I pictured having with this little girl. It must be the worst feeling in the world to tell a little girl that her daddy is dying... and even worse to see the pain and hurt she is having to go through. I can show her that I am surviving, even though it does hurt and it is painful. If my showing her that I can survive through the pain helps her in any way, then I wouldn't change the circumstances I am in for the world.
It might be way too much to handle and it might be way to hard -- But I deal with it, I stick around and make the best out of the worst situation.
The true question is : In the end, would we have it any other way? Would we really have wanted to miss out on the pain and sorrow and SO much stress if it meant that we weren't around when we were needed the most? If it meant that we missed out on the opportunity to show that God can really work things out for the better, even if it IS unbarably hard at the time?
In my perfect world I wouldn't be dealing with all of this right now...
- I wouldn't be dealing with the fact that life isn't perfect.
- I wouldn't be dealing with the fact that having to help a 10 year old deal with the fact that her daddy is dying is REALLY hard.
- I wouldn't be dealing with the fact that all of this pain brings up too much of the pain from my own dad's recent death.
- I wouldn't be dealing with the fact that I want to go hide under a rock for a very long time because I feel like I'm completely failing in everything I am doing.
- I wouldn't be dealing with the fact that I am terrifed about my grandfather's surgery on Monday.
- I wouldn't be dealing with the fact that I am terrifed that I am going to fail in school, even though its *slightly* understandable why my grades aren't up to the ususal standard.
- I wouldn't be dealing with the fact that all the emotion about my dad hasn't gone away.
- I wouldn't be dealing with the fact that every day a million things run through my mind and it never shuts off with the fear that at any moment my entire world is going to fall apart.
- I wouldn't be dealing with the fact that I am still angry about the car accident and the fact that I'm not perfectly healthy yet.
- I wouldn't be dealing with the fact that I don't think its fair that everything is happening at one time.
- I don't think its fair that I'm having to deal with surgeries, hospitals, divorces, deaths, cancer, accidents, school, people moving away, people falling apart, and my life turning upside down all at one time!!
It isn't fair, but I AM dealing with it. Its all I can do. I wouldn't change the fact that God has placed me in a unique positon where I am being able to help a little girl and her brother through everything and that because of my dad dying, I CAN relate and I DO know what it feels like and how much it hurts. No, I don't want to have to deal with all the emotions that come with helping them out, but I wouldn't change the fact that I am here helping them. I can't change the fact that it hurts and that those kids will be dealing with growing up without a father for the rest of their lives; But I CAN help them deal with it. I can be the support system they need. I can be the shoulder to cry on, the helping hand, and the person that says "I understand that this isn't simple or easy, but it will be okay eventually."
Standing outside with my 'little sister', explaining to her that it will hurt when her daddy is gone - but that she can get through this and make it - isn't the type of conversations I pictured having with this little girl. It must be the worst feeling in the world to tell a little girl that her daddy is dying... and even worse to see the pain and hurt she is having to go through. I can show her that I am surviving, even though it does hurt and it is painful. If my showing her that I can survive through the pain helps her in any way, then I wouldn't change the circumstances I am in for the world.
It might be way too much to handle and it might be way to hard -- But I deal with it, I stick around and make the best out of the worst situation.
Monday, March 2, 2009
I never said...
I never said I was perfect.
I never said I have everything right.
I never said that what I say is the complete truth, because I have a lot to learn.
All I'm saying is that I try.
That is the best I can do.
If its not a good enough standard for you, then I'm sorry.
Maybe you shouldn't have put so much hope in me.
I won't always be perfect, but I make an attempt to do things right.
I will screw up sometimes, but you should know that I'll do my best correct those mistakes.
And the mistakes that are made, I'll do my best to learn from them.
I attempt to make things right, to be a good example.
But I'm still learning and learning is a long process.
So understand that I'll do my best,
PRAY my hardest,
and try to match up to the expectations you have of me.
But if I don't meet those expectations and standards,
then understand that I really am sorry.
So if at times I annoy you,
or upset you,
disappoint you,
or frustrate you...
Realize I don't mean it - just give me another chance
and I'll try my hardest yet again to reach those expectations and standards.
I never said I have everything right.
I never said that what I say is the complete truth, because I have a lot to learn.
All I'm saying is that I try.
That is the best I can do.
If its not a good enough standard for you, then I'm sorry.
Maybe you shouldn't have put so much hope in me.
I won't always be perfect, but I make an attempt to do things right.
I will screw up sometimes, but you should know that I'll do my best correct those mistakes.
And the mistakes that are made, I'll do my best to learn from them.
I attempt to make things right, to be a good example.
But I'm still learning and learning is a long process.
So understand that I'll do my best,
PRAY my hardest,
and try to match up to the expectations you have of me.
But if I don't meet those expectations and standards,
then understand that I really am sorry.
So if at times I annoy you,
or upset you,
disappoint you,
or frustrate you...
Realize I don't mean it - just give me another chance
and I'll try my hardest yet again to reach those expectations and standards.
statistics wise...
I ran into a quote that someone had posted that caught my attention, stating that :
Statistics show that a soldier's chances of survival in the front lines of combat are greater than an unborn child's avoiding abortion. -Abort73.com
Why do we make such a big deal about the war, the soldiers, the families... and stay quiet and unspoken when the issue of abortion is brought up?
We are fighting such a big battle with the war and are so worried about the toll of deaths and injured coming back, when there is an even bigger battle going on where we are losing more lives to abortion in our own country. A soldier's chance of survival in the front lines is greater than an unborn child's avoiding abortion. A soldier is stronger, trained, and has a voice and choice. Unborn children don't have a voice, they have no way to say "this is not what I had in mind when you conceived me."
Statistics show that :
The abortion ratio for unmarried women is 510 abortions for every 1,000 live births. For married women it is 61 abortions for every 1,000 live births (CDC). - Abort73.com
Doesn't that show something about our community today?
Instead of teaching that sex outside of marriage is wrong, schools are teaching sex education. Instead of teaching moral and biblical principles, we are letting schools teach that as long as you are being "safe" during sex - it is okay.
1/2 of women who abort claim that they do not want to be a single parent. Doesn't that show that those women weren't ready to be involved in a sexual relationship? They don't want to be a single parent... that says "hey! God was right when he planned for sex inside marriage and planned that you would already be an adult and ready to handle bringing another child into the world and raising it."
Its irresponsible. Maybe, teaching that sex outside of marriage was wrong and having principles to stand it up and show why its wrong, before shoving the fact that abortion is wrong in people's faces would be a lot more affective.
I understand that its not just the people that have sex outside of marriage that are getting abortions, but it is quite a few of them. Starting with a majority and helping where you can DOES help, doesn't it?
Statistics show that a soldier's chances of survival in the front lines of combat are greater than an unborn child's avoiding abortion. -Abort73.com
Why do we make such a big deal about the war, the soldiers, the families... and stay quiet and unspoken when the issue of abortion is brought up?
We are fighting such a big battle with the war and are so worried about the toll of deaths and injured coming back, when there is an even bigger battle going on where we are losing more lives to abortion in our own country. A soldier's chance of survival in the front lines is greater than an unborn child's avoiding abortion. A soldier is stronger, trained, and has a voice and choice. Unborn children don't have a voice, they have no way to say "this is not what I had in mind when you conceived me."
Statistics show that :
The abortion ratio for unmarried women is 510 abortions for every 1,000 live births. For married women it is 61 abortions for every 1,000 live births (CDC). - Abort73.com
Doesn't that show something about our community today?
Instead of teaching that sex outside of marriage is wrong, schools are teaching sex education. Instead of teaching moral and biblical principles, we are letting schools teach that as long as you are being "safe" during sex - it is okay.
1/2 of women who abort claim that they do not want to be a single parent. Doesn't that show that those women weren't ready to be involved in a sexual relationship? They don't want to be a single parent... that says "hey! God was right when he planned for sex inside marriage and planned that you would already be an adult and ready to handle bringing another child into the world and raising it."
Its irresponsible. Maybe, teaching that sex outside of marriage was wrong and having principles to stand it up and show why its wrong, before shoving the fact that abortion is wrong in people's faces would be a lot more affective.
I understand that its not just the people that have sex outside of marriage that are getting abortions, but it is quite a few of them. Starting with a majority and helping where you can DOES help, doesn't it?
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